What It Feels Like

I don’t want to say love is a waiting game…

It’s hard for me to have a blog and try to stay autonomous with my feelings. Those of you who read in the past know i was nothing of the sort. I wrote every emotion, every feeling, i wrote all of it, even if it would come back to bite me in the ass. Now i guess I’m “older” or “more mature”…pssh, bitch please.. I have bills to pay and need a job to do so, otherwise my mouth would be happily running again, and anyone who tells you differently is LYING.

I don’t know how to start this, or if i should start this. But, we all know i’ve never been shy to speak my feelings. HA! He dumped me. Yep.. and this is what it feels like.  I want to say I’m disappointed but the only person to be disappointed in is myself, how much doesn’t that suck? I want to be angry, and for the life of me, I AM. You can’t love someone and just walk away…. it just doesn’t work that way.

I can be all of the negative words you ever heard. I can be a bad person. & i for sure can manipulate you for my own desire. But i never did anything of the sort with this man. I was myself, and i loved him thoroughly. Yes, i wasn’t perfect, hell i wasn’t even 5% perfect. I tried to make him love me… it never seemed to work. Don’t look elsewhere for attention because
you will lose a diamond chasing the glitter. I know, because i did.

Baby I’m thinking it over
What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start
What if it only gets colder
Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
Cuz lately I’ve been scared of even thinking ’bout where we are

The Black Monologue

Monki Top // Nasty Gal Tights // Jeffrey Campbell Bit Lita Boots//
ReTrak Premier Stylus // Lime Crime Black Velvet Lipstick

The summer flew by in a flurry of madness, bikinis, sparkling water and a love gone wrong. The fall brought new excitement and near October i thought i had it all. November came and threw me off my game. It’s all a blur how we got here but in January, we both knew it was wrong. All the hope i thought i had found and captured, slipped through my fingers. I don’t know when exactly i lost it, i don’t know where it has gone. All i know is i tried to hold on.

“And someone will love it because it’s honest,
and someone will hate it because it’s crude,

GEN Y/GEN Z

“Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard
ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable.
We wonder why we’re dissatisfied.”

How we portray ourselves on social media has been a topic for a while now. I heard it when i was in university, how it would affect my career. I was never censored, i was just smart about it. I never put a name to my opinions and i never posted defamatory posts on Facebook. I made sure to delete the entire existence of my high school years online. But today i still suffer from the effects of “the interweb”. I see beautiful people, beautiful pictures, in beautiful places and i want MORE. I’m never enough, my life is never enough.

What i forget is that i take 20 selfies to only post 1 of myself. I scroll through Instagram and see beautiful girls and wish ‘i could be just like them’ when really, its a photograph. I know nothing about their life or whether or not they are happy. What’s to envy?

So i’ve stopped following triggering profiles on social media and i try to stay as genuine as possible. At the end of the day im happy being ME, so why not show my friends the real me? …even if that includes some less than flattering photographs.

Industrial

The girls at work and I went to lunch, and after an hour of chatting and roughly 20 minutes of procrastinating going back to the office we decided it was perfect timing for a photo-shoot. Hence, Michael Kors in the loading dock was born.

Michael Kors Jacket // Wildfox Sunglasses // ReTrak Selfie Stick & Neon Lightning Cable