Be there, or be square.

 

I always wanted to fit in- and I have, for the most part. I fit in almost every locker, cabinet, and tight spot you can put me in. I don’t like it, but I fit. The question is, where do I not fit in?

I’m half of an inch off of being a legal midget in the state of Texas. Some of you laugh, but it’s taken me many years to come to terms with this. I hated being small. I hated being short. I hated being tiny. For the longest time, I hated my height. Until one day I realized that my height didn’t make me, My. It made me short. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Then I struggled with my name. “What’s My short for?”  Well, it’s short but it’s not short for anything. It’s simply two letters: M-Y; pronounced “me”. No it doesn’t mean anything. Yes it should be pronounced “my” and trust me (HA!), you might be clever but I’ve heard just about every damn joke by now. I hated introducing myself. I hated meeting new people. I hated signing papers. For the longest time, I hated my name. Until one day I realized that the jokes didn’t make me, My. It made my name different. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

After that, my background came into question. So many questions, so difficult to explain. Yes I was born in Sweden. No I didn’t have American citizenship. Yes we immigrated to the United States. No my family doesn’t spend holidays together. Yes I wonder what life would have been like. I answered all of the questions that someone who just stepped ashore in a new land should. Until one day I realized that my visa status didn’t make me, My. It made me an alien. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Eventually it led to my friendships. Why was I never able to make the same connection that other girls did? Was it my looks? Was it my background? Or was it simply “My”? I struggled often to understand why I wouldn’t and couldn’t have the same relationships others did. I questioned whether I was likable, whether it was the way I looked,or if it was because I was a foreigner. Until one day I realized that the popularity didn’t make me, My. It made me lonely. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

Recently I’ve been asked to take “personality,” compatibility,” “intelligence,” and “pre-employment” tests. So far no results have led to an interview or any kind of job offer thereafter. It’s made me feel stupid. It’s made me wonder if I need to change who I am as a human being. It’s made me consider altering the way I act and react. It’s made me question a lot. Until one day I realized that the tests didn’t make me, My. They made me undesirable as an employee. BUT, that didn’t have to define me.

No this isn’t a pity party, nor is this a request to be an exception. This is simply a statement of how we mold ourselves into becoming the perfect specimens, yet never achieve perfection.

It’s truly a shame, because I am different.

My entire life I’ve been taught to try to fit in, yet I am that star block you’re shoving into a square hole. I feel like I no longer have an option, if I want to fit I have to be a square. I need to be what they want and who they want in order to be hired. Because without a job My can’t be me.

SACC @ 34 Events

I’ve recently been working with SACC (the Swedish American Chamber of Commerce) as their marketing director!

We have a speaker series where we feature one speaker at an event every month. So far i’ve attended three, but last nights was pretty impressive. The CFO from Ericsson came to speak and we had a sponsor who rented a local in downtown Plano at 34 Events. 

Although i was stood by the entrance making sure each guest was registered, i met a lot of influential individuals. I think the total amount who attended was closer to 55-60!

Sometimes having a different heritage is pretty cool. Not so much when one guy read my name tag and went “My SACC… my sack… he he.” …Oh well, you can’t have it all.

My Trip to Cuba (Part 2)

After a few days in Varadero, we scheduled a driver to come pick us up in a classic 50’s pink convertible and drive us all the way to Havana. The drive took a little more than two hours, and the salt from the ocean when driving on the coast sure as hell got in my hair as you can see below. (Click on photos to enlarge) 

In hindsight- the drive was longer than i expected and i should’ve worn a hat. My scalp was sunburnt the day after… oops. When we arrived we were promptly dropped off in the middle of the old city at Plaza De San Fransisco and waited to find our Airbnb.

 Me waiting for my parents in our Airbnb stairwell. 
Me waiting for my parents in our Airbnb stairwell. 

The airbnb we rented was located in the heart of the old Havana and was perfect for us. A small kitchen with a lady who made us a traditional breakfast in the morning, the coffee was GOOD. We also had really good air conditioning and two bedrooms with separate bathrooms. For anyone traveling to Cuba, i’d highly recommend getting an airbnb in Havana- was really easy and made me feel a little less like the tourist i was. 

Our first day we decided to wander around the city a bit- we walked along the Malecon and i stopped to pose whilst dad took pictures of every single classic car we could find. It’s such a surreal experience being in Cuba. 

After a while we sat down for drinks and snacks at a little cafe located on the corner of what felt like one of the main ‘shopping’ streets. Mojitos and Bucanero beers all around! I’ll tell you what- the cuban take on pizza sure is different. 

Me being me, i of course wanted to look in the shops. I still have no clue how the shopping works in Cuba, or where you go to get what as every shop seemed to have a little bit of everything, yet nothing all at the same time. 

Pictured above is the Farmacia Taquechel (an old pharmacy) that i believe they have turned into a museum. Really nicely kept and cool to see! Then we took a rickshaw back to the apartment because mom wasn’t feeling quite 100% yet, and i got a migraine from the long car ride in the sun. I skipped out on dinner in order to rest up for the next days adventures- but mom brought me back some bruschetta and fresh lobster from dinner. The food in Havana was only slightly better than Varadero. 

On our second day in Havana we decided to get another classic car to show us around the city & the sights. Havana really isn’t that big of a city after all. Dad rode shotgun with our driver who barely spoke english yet kept mentioning a green elephant, how bizarre. 

Some of the buildings were being restored and others were just down right beautiful to look at with the sunshine and blue skies as backdrop. Riding in a convertible seeing the sights was at least ten times better than the usual double decker tour bus!

After about an hour riding around different neighborhoods we got to a green area where we drank some water and got some shade. Mom and i lost dad at one point, but when we all gathered back by the car the tour guide had something he wanted to show us. So we all followed him along the road in a single file line looking even more touristy than before. Finally we got to see his beloved green elephant… 

…basically just a branch with leaves that just happened to be in the shape of an elephant. That gave us all a good laugh and reaffirmed that my dad wasn’t crazy, our driver really did keep mentioning the green elephant. 

Next up on our ride around Havana was some sightseeing. Did you know there’s a China Town in Havana?! Small world i suppose. 

Finally we got to Plaza De La Revolucion, the one place i had really wanted to see. We hopped out of the car to take picture of the large murals on the square. Another surreal experience- the square is huge but it just feels so misplaced. I guess it’s where they used to hold political rallies. 

We had our driver drop us off at the Hotel Nacional De Cuba to end the tour. We sat outside on their terrace and enjoyed some refreshments looking out at the view. This probably turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the trip. The hotel really is STUNNING. I wish we could have stayed there for a night just so i could lay out by the pool one day and feel like the royalty that’s all visited. 

All in all i feel lucky to have seen this side of Cuba, i hope that the lifted trade embargo improves certain aspects of the country but doesn’t ruin the culture. Cubans are such happy and nice people, if i ever go again i’ll for sure get a local tour guide to show me more of the cuisine and nightlife! 

SXSW

I spent half of my weekend down in Austin for South by Southwest® (SXSW®)! My friend and I drove down for the job market at the convention center. It was way worth going, i was pleasantly surprised. When we first got there my anxiety was through the roof but after a while i enjoyed talking to recruiters from various companies. A few new connections cant hurt. 

Austin is such a different city considering it is in Texas, but i feel like SXSW brings out the best of it!

My Poshmark Closet

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I have a few items in my closet that either are very lightly used, or haven’t ever been worn. I finally did something about it and decided to put them on a resell website!

I’ve used the Poshmark website before to buy shoes and it was super easy and they came in great condition. I downloaded the app and started uploading a few items. It’s not much so I’ll add more as time goes on, I just didn’t have the motivation to do it all at once.

I haven’t gotten any comments or bids yet, but figured it can’t hurt to try. So if you want to snoop in my closet, go for it! 

The Moth & The Flame

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Some people are like fire, you know they can burn you; but you want them any way. Ending those toxic relationships can be difficult. I was like a moth drawn to a flame, but I eventually decided to put out the fire.

At first, it felt miserable. Like going cold turkey from an addiction. Without the light the moth is left in the darkness, lost with no sense of direction. The flame uses the moth to fuel the fire. Fully aware it has flickered into different shapes in order to trick the moth into the light over and over again. Drawn to the flame, the moth wants so desperately to believe it won’t get burnt. I mean who knew the flame could change into so many different colors?

The flame tries its best to keep the moth around for the benefits. It’s a connection being maintained for a rainy day; when the fire is barely an ember and the moth can be used to give it life again. Like all situations when a moth is drawn to a flame, there are only two possible outcomes. Either the moth gets burnt to ashes in the fire or finds another source of light. Eventually this moth realized its own boundaries; it couldn’t keep flying full force into the flame absorbing and forgiving all the burns.

Sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest place. I usually give people more chances than they deserve but once I’m done, I’m done. I have a limit and when you reach it I dismiss you from my life. It’s that simple. 

 

My Trip to Cuba (Part 1)

 

For Christmas 2015, my parents and I went to Cuba. First we flew to Cancun, Mexico and spent a day enjoying the beach and some awesome sushi at the hotel we stayed at. I was hoping to get a chance to swing by the Me hotel as their DJ last time i was there was fantastic, but alas no such luck. 

We then flew into Havana, Cuba & when we landed we had a driver prearranged to pick us up & drive us to the resort in Varadero. Two and a half hours in the dark later, we arrived. The hotel really was like something straight out of the fifties- employee uniforms and all.

Now, like most millennials, my phone is attached to me. So when we left Mexico, my heart sank a little bit. I had zero service the entire time we were in Cuba, and internet was scarce… to say the least. 

The hotel we stayed at was a 4 star resort and when i mean resort, it was one of the biggest freaking places I’ve ever stayed! 

Here you can see the Cabana we stayed in. With air conditioning a master suite and my sleeping area in the living room, we were quite comfortable. Unfortunately my mother caught some sort of food poisoning in Mexico right before we arrived in Cuba, and spent days being ill. I had read on blogs about bringing your own toilet paper with you when out and about, LOL right? They weren’t kidding. TMI, but towards the end of our stay in Varadero my father also got sick so i had to go to the hotel reception and ask for a new roll of toilet paper which they then reluctantly delivered to our cabana. 

My father booked well, because quite literally 200 meters away from out doorstep through the woods was the beach, and the beach was beyond beautiful. Now i’ve travelled to a handful of beaches- some were as beautiful as this but none had the same feeling. I somehow felt like i was on my own private island. There weren’t people selling unnecessary crap on the beach, not too many kids screaming and running around, and the over developed skyline didn’t exist behind the beach. 

The water was a decent temperature, a little fresh to get in, but oh so refreshing from the warm sun-rays. Dad and I went sailing one day and the weather must have been downright ideal, because i’ve never gone so fast or through so many waves sailing before. It was fun! (Side story: Dad made a remark about being happy his wife wasn’t with us sailing, because she would probably have gotten sea sick, and the captain looked at me with a confused expression. HA! I had to explain that his wife = my mom.) 

Other than that, I spent the four days working on my tan and reading books in the hammocks around the cabana. I also drank a number of virgin mojitos (so refreshing) and ate food at the various “restaurants” at the resort. 

If you’re a foodie when you travel, Cuba is not the place to go. Now i will say, it wasn’t our hotel. The seafood we had was all fresh, and in the mornings the fruit at breakfast was delicious but they do not have spices. I don’t even think they used salt or pepper. My 10 year old self would’ve loved it- but my palette was bored. 

 

Next Stop: Havana

 

Procrastination

I kept having moments where I thought to myself, “This would make a great blog post” or “I’ll blog about this later” and well… It’s been a year and I still hadn’t gotten around to it. So today I decided to stop procrastinating and CHANGE SOMETHING. So the blog has a new look to it, hope you guys like it. Leave a comment or drop me a line under the Contact page if you have any suggestions or concerns about it. 

Next on my list is to upload pictures from my Christmas vacation to Mexico and Cuba, let’s hope it doesn’t take me another year! 

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The Untouchables

Google “untouchables” and you well get two different definitions. The first states that something/someone is unattainable. The second refers to the Hindu caste system, where the untouchables could be rejected on an individual basis or by an entire group of people.

Currently I’m experiencing what it means to be “untouchable,” and not in the bad way. I’m simply wanting something that i shouldn’t. I’m scared as hell of wanting it, but yet here i am.. wanting it anyways. It feels unattainable and way out of my league, and I’m worried that I’ll end up hurting myself in the long run. I’m also experiencing how it feels to be “untouchable”; The second definition, i could easily be rejected. I don’t feel adequate.

I’m normally a pretty straight-forward, no bullshit, blunt bitch. Ask my friends and they know, you don’t mess with My. I will tear people apart with the whit of my tongue, but i will also defend those whom i love till the death of me. But in this situation i feel meek. Is this good for me? Does this suit me? Am i okay with this? I cant put my finger on it!

…and i think that’s where i get stuck. I’m so used to being in control that this feeling is foreign to me. It’s hard, but at the same time i think it’s exactly what i need.

Power is being told you are not loved
and not being destroyed by it.
-Madonna

Hello Spring

Those of you who know me, or have seen me out and about know i have an affection for heels. Not the run-of-the-mill black patent pumps kind either. Any pair of shoes that can give me a good bump in height has a special place in my heart. Gotta love those 90’s platforms, or those killer Jeffrey Campbells.

Now that Spring is here (technically), i decided to oust some of my ratchet heels from last year and invite a few new pairs into the cult in my closet. Mind you, all of these are relatively vanilla compared to what i normally wear.

Gotta have a pair of black sandals, there’s just no surviving without. I opted for a pair of beige ones as well.. not my favorite color but they blend well with a tan and some summery dresses.

Last but not least, i had to decide whether to indulge my inner Barbie Girl or go for a more “mature” color. I did the latter, *ahem still not so mature*. I think these will be my staples for the upcoming months.